Mental Health/ Mental Wellness/ Positive Psychology

Kindness, Happiness, and Positive Psychology

Drew Mikita, LPC, Associate Professor October 2, 2018

What is Kindness?

Kindness can be defined and demonstrated in a variety of fashions. Many people know kindness when they see it, or the absence of, but don’t consciously think about the impact of kindness. Defining kindness is not as simple as pulling a dictionary definition of the word. Kindness can vary between people, cultures, and situations.

Generally kindness is considered an act of generosity, compassion, empathy, or care. Kindness goes much deeper than being nice, often a term for a singular action or bland observation. Kindness is more a trait or mindset, which often manifests through behaviors, gestures, and intentional and unintentional acts. Kindness extends into how we treat ourselves, animals, the world, our valued things, and even our souls.

Many definitions will reference a god or religion. This may be true in many religions and followers, but so much hate and violence between people over religion often challenges the genuineness. The vast majority of religious figures and organizations preach kindness, sometimes it gets lost with other messages being more important.

Definitions of Kindness

“Kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate” (Hall, 2017).

“Kind acts are behaviours that benefit other people, or make others happy” (Kerr, O’Donovan, & Pepping, 2014, p. 23).

“This character strength describes the pervasive tendency to be nice to other people – to be compassionate and concerned about their welfare, to do favors for them, to perform good deeds, and to take care of them” (Peterson & Seligman, 2004, p. 296)

Learning Opportunity: Think of your own definition of kindness and write it down

Origin of the Word Kindness

“Kindness comes from the Old English word ‘kyndnes’ meaning ‘nation’ or ‘produce, increase’. The word is further derived from the Middle English word ‘kindenes’ meaning ‘noble deeds’ or ‘courtesy’. The first recorded use of the word kindness was in the 14th century.” (Macmillan Dictionary)

Kindness Quotes

“The simplest acts of kindness are by far more powerful than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.” ~Ghandi

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.” ~Og Mandino

“A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.” ~William Arthur Ward

Research on Kindness

“Guiding students through the planning and execution of IAK holds potential benefits for not just students and the recipients of their kindness, but also for teachers, for the class, and for the school community” (Binfet, 2015).

“Even more than honesty, gratitude, or hope, the trait of kindness is identified as one of the top-ranking character strengths valued in Western society” (Karris & Craighead, 2012; Park, Peterson, & Seligman, 2004).

Kindness increases, love, serotonin, happiness, lifespan, pleasure and energy (Hamilton, 2017).

Components and Related Concepts

Politeness. A form of kindness, but can be shallower.
Generosity. An act or expression of kindness.
Gratitude. Can increase kindness, and kindness can increase gratitude.
Forgiveness. A way to practice kindness to someone who has wronged you.
Niceness. Similar to kindness but not as deep, often more singular and momentary in nature.
Patience. Being patient with someone, stranger, friend, loved one is a great form of kindness.
Love. Kindness is often an act of love to another person, group, or yourself. Be kind to all, especially those you love.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar

Ever call Comcast, a bank, or you cell phone provider because you are angry or disappointed with service, billing, or some other problem? Of course you have. How do you handle these things? Angry, grumpy, hostile and aggressive, so you can “get your way?” Or polite and passive, so you get screwed over? Huge negativity train of approaches to a situation.

Being polite, kind, and understanding while still being honest and assertive is the best way to handle these situations. And I got the NFL Ticket for free today, see scientific proof it works! Being kind is often associated with being weak, which is ludicrous! Kindness is a sign of strength, power, empathy and compassion. While it shouldn’t be used as a “tool to get something,” maybe a more effective way of treating and communicating with people, leading to a better resolution for all.

“Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough.” ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

We Take in What we Put Out

Think about this: If you are yelling, screaming, negative, rude, mean, or whatever the many opposites of kindness might be you are feeling those emotions too, sitting in that negativity. You are actually creating a worse environment, mental state, and doing the same for another person (or people).

Imagine a person who is rude and aggressive with a server at a restaurant, belittling, mean, inappropriate. Everyone in that restaurant, the server, guests, kitchen staff, and the aggressive jack-ass are all feeling that negativity and unpleasantness. You can often feel the awkward energy in a room filled with people who are unkind.

Time to get out of negative town and back to the positive world. Think about being in a room where something awesome just happened. Someone gets engaged, the favored sports team is triumphant (not common for my Cleveland Brownies), a rowdy excited concert crowd, anywhere many positive people are gathered. You can feel that positive energy, being a Debbie Downer impacts everyone around you, group energy can be impacted by one person, for worse and better. Don’t let someone’s reluctance or negativity influence your choice to be kind, do it because you are kind, not for a response or reward. Keep in mind that you need to process negative emotions, not just ignore them, find healthy outlets for these emotions, and kindness is an excellent way to combat them.

Believe in Karma? Karma is essentially a Budhist law of cause-and-effect (O’Brien, 2016), far more elaborate than a scoreboard of good and bad deeds in life. However, the concept that our actions now influence the future (and are influenced by the past) impacts the way you treat people. When in Nepal and Thailand (Both believing in Karma, just slightly different concepts) the people were incredibly kind. Not because some Karma god was judging or watching, or they wanted money, but they themselves were judging kindness and evil, and choosing kindness. When you truly believe that how you treat people impacts the way you will be treated, honestly, wholeheartedly, and genuinely it will make you kinder.

Kindness Increases Happiness

No need to feel guilty about feeling happier when kind. Even if that is your main motivator, I speak for myself (and probably the world) that if you become a kinder, gentler, more understanding, compassionate, person because you want to feel better about yourself, please do it. For everyone’s sake, we all win. Altruism is a far overrated illusion of a concept. Feeling awesome after being kind is the little biological reward our brain (and maybe soul) gives us. When being kind (and receiving a kind act) the brain releases endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, all of which are feel good chemicals (Roman, 2018). Kindness is not being guilted into something, but rather conscience choices through a mindset. However, if guilt does motivate you to be kinder, start with it and learn to become more genuine.

Be intentional and genuine with your kindness. Just like with gratitude, kindness is more a mindset than a singular act or gesture. Becoming a kind person will improve mental health and happiness, here are some tips how:

Be Kind to Those Around you: Family, friends, and colleagues all offer great opportunity to be kind, and are often the people we “forget” to be kind too. Know the people around you and what makes them tick. Flowers, thoughtful notes, picking up your socks, a glass of wine, foot rubs, hugs, high fives, a kind smile, listening (and paying attention), gratitude, donuts or apples, whatever the situation may warrant, CHOOSE kindness as the way you interact with you those around you. This will also make you a wonderful spouse, friend, family member and colleague!
Be Kind to Yourself: Making better decisions for your mental and physical health is a start. Forgiveness, acceptance, motivation, discipline, dedication, incentives, yoga, “treats” and many other thoughtful ideas and gifts are great ways to be kind to yourself. Eating healthier, exercising, minimizing vices are all great ways to be kinder to yourself.
Be Kind to Strangers: There are so many opportunities to be kind to those we don’t know yet. Your seat on a bus, holding a door, eye contact, taking someone’s shopping cart in, carry a bag for someone, pay it forward, being intentionally nice, paying someone’s expired parking meter, responding when some is in distress, don’t hide from an opportunity to be kind to a stranger. Start with the Golden Rule: Do Unto Other as you Wish Done Unto you. If someone does want the same, communicate, and remember kindness varies between people. But being intentionally kind is a great starting point.
Your Community needs Kindness: There are so many opportunities to practices kindness, volunteering, picking up litter, fostering dogs, helping community members, offering help to those lost, being polite, patience (big up here in Breck during tourist season), get involved in something you enjoy, be proud, support local athletics, theater, and other community events, vote, reach out to people, be a mentor/coach/role model to youth, seek and find opportunities to make your community happier and better.
Nature. One of my students, Felipe, is picking up trash when hiking to be kinder to nature. Right now, she needs our help more than ever, a little kindness to The Mother can go a long way. Be kind by respecting boundaries and limitations, cleaning up, petitioning to save nature, and find opportunities to be kind in your own way. Nature has been so kind to us, let’s repay that debt.
The World/Everyone. There are so many people out there who do not have water, food, shelter, medicine, and many other necessities. Find ways to help support these folks through kindness, it doesn’t have to be monetary, volunteers are needed for a variety of reasons domestically and abroad.
Dogs/Pets/Animals. Enjoy a “dopaminefest” with your pet. You get dopamine from petting them. They get dopamine because it feels good. Everyone wins. Dopaminefest according to Justin Pollack.
Your things. Your bike, shoes, car, house, anything. Being kind will prolong the “life” of these things. “Whatever you do, take care of your shoes!”(Trey Anastasio)
Have a Cause that Matters. There are a lot of causes that need us, and our kindness. Find your favorite and help!

Kindness is contagious

Creating an energy of kindness can have a massive impact on the people around you. The smallest act of kindness that you commit, having a kind spirit or mind can change someone’s world and create an environment of kindness that is infectious. Numerous research studies and documentaries like Kindness is Contagious, show the infectious nature of kindness, “Witnessing kindness inspires kindness, causing it to spread like a virus” (Zaki, 2016). Biologically, both (or all) participants in the kindness act are all releasing dopamine, and as Justin Pollack says, “It just turns into a big dopaminefest where everyone feels good!” This also means that kindness rewards us, and could become a healthy addiction.

Recognize when you see someone being kind. Make it a point to appreciate and reinforce the behavior, so it is more likely to occur again. Kind deeds, thoughts, and actions should not go unnoticed, or they may not continue. I made it 31 seconds into the video below before crying! See how you can do! IT IS AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL!

Why be Kind?

Why be kind sounds like a silly question, shouldn’t we just be that way? For those who need more, according to Proctor (2018), there are six scientifically proven benefits to kindness

Increased happiness and mental health (chemically and psychologically)
Reduced anxiety
Improved heart health through release of oxytocin
Can improve length of life (and quality)
Reduced stress
Prevents illness and disease by increasing immune system

Other Benefits of kindness

Deeper human connections and improved relationships
Productivity and performance increases
Reduced negative emotions and increased positive emotions
Improved coping skills for stress and depression
Tax breaks (there is nothing wrong with receiving a tax break for a kind donation, rather it go to charity than the government!)
Good Public Relations/Image (Recognition of kindness can also help to facilitate it, and you deserve to have a good reputation for being kind, humility and recognition can co-exist).

What stops us from being kind?

There are a variety of reasons that we choose to be kind or not:

Habit/Ritual. Becoming accustomed to not necessarily choosing “unkind” or “mean”, but rather indifference, apathy, or excuses.
Fear of perception. If you are fearful how someone perceives you for being kind, check yourself. Want to be the kind person.
Conformity. In many places kindness would go so far against the social norms, breaking conformity noticeably. There is no reason that kindness can’t become the “norm”, at least in your house, job, or community. Be different, be kind.
Laziness. Let’s be honest, sometimes kindness is effort. Sure. Start small, don’t volunteer for a month long mission trip immediately. Start by being kind to yourself, loved ones, pets, the easy for you stuff (whatever that might be).
Not thinking it will matter. You are being offered a completely free opportunity to be happier, improve your relationships, and has no side effects. What exactly are you looking for here, just try it.
It may be awkward, feel foreign, or even forced. Yes, there is a potential for weird. The way we overcome that is by exposure and experience. It will be worth it!

Opportunities to Practice Kindness

Define Kindness in your own words
Set a Goal. For all of these set a goal that you are going to do X number of kindness actions per Day/Week/Month/etc. Make it something you believe in, there is nothing wrong with documenting or doing these anonymously! Take time to reflect on how you feel before, during, and after being kind.
Intentional Acts of Kindness. Finding or creating opportunities to be kind to people, the community, family, nature, or anyone/thing.
The Rachel Phishenstein Kindness Opportunity (at the bottom create a list of acts of kindness and put this up some where in your life, like how people look for rentals)
Kindness Patrol. Recognize people for being kind, in the community, at school, in your house where ever you like.
Make a friend a gift. Homemade gifts are the best, says my mom.
Volunteer/Give Back to your community.
Share something you have. “Sharing is caring!” Doesn’t have to be money, can be an emotion, hug, idea, or something else.
Pay it forward. Buy the person behind you a cup of coffee, or pay for a stranger’s meal, etc.
Give a friend a gift for no reason. Homemade gifts are the best, but you can also buy something thoughtful.
Find a way to be kinder to yourself