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Happiness and Human Connection

How do you feel when you are around your best friend in the world? Your family? That special someone? Human connection and happiness are strongly connected, and an easy and free way to improve mental health. Happiness and human connection are strongly connected. 

Do you have any friends in your life, no matter how long it has been since you talked, or what is going on in life, you pick up where you left off. The person (or people) who just get you. You don’t have to pretend to be someone else, just you. Someone who has seen you at your worst, best, and held your hand as you ugly-cried. These connections are essential, and are actually proven to increase our happiness and mental health. Americans are becoming less connected with people (Putnam, 2000), and this is likely impacting mental health.

We all know the value of these connections, feel the happiness boost when around theses people. Yet, when struggling, these are the people we often avoid, push away, and even hide from. Although we know the value and benefits, isolation is often the choice. Making social connections a priority may just be one of the best decisions you can make for your happiness, functioning, and mental wellness.

Definition of Human Connection

While definitions do vary one way of looking at human connection is a positive experience shared by at least two people and is recognized by at least two people.  
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ~ Brené Brown

Quotes on Human Connection

“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.” ~Herman Melville

“The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers & cities; but to know someone who thinks & feels with us, & who, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden.” ~Goethe

“We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.” ~Albert Schweitzer

“When you hang out with whiners, pessimists, tweakers, bleakers, freakers-outers and life-is-so-unfairers, it’s an uphill climb to keep yourself in a positive headspace.  Stay away from people with tiny minds and tiny thoughts and start hanging out with people who see limitless possibility as the reality. Surround yourself with people who act on their big ideas, who take action on making positive change in the world and who see nothing as out of their reach.” ~ Jen Sincero, You Are a Badass

Research on Human Connection and Happiness

There is a significant amount of research to support that human connection, particularly deeper, stronger human connection can improve happiness levels and overall mental health functioning.

“Scientific evidence strongly suggests that this is a core psychological need, essential to feeling satisfied with your life” (Greater Good Science Center)

One study found, “On days when people interacted many times with their strong ties, they reported that they were happier and felt more like they belonged to the community than when they interacted fewer times with their strong ties…. A second study found, on days when people interacted with both their close friends and their acquaintances, they were happier than on days when they interacted less often with their close friends and their acquaintances” (Markman, 2014).

“The upshot of 50 years of happiness research is that the quantity and quality of a person’s social connections—friendships, relationships with family members, closeness to neighbors, etc.—is so closely related to well-being and personal happiness the two can practically be equated. People with many friendships are less likely to experience sadness, loneliness, low self-esteem, and problems with eating and sleeping.” (Carter, 2008).

“In fact, lack of social connection is being called a greater overall health risk than smoking! Being lonely impacts your immune system as well as your susceptibility to anxiety, depression, and antisocial behaviors” (Kogan, 2014).

“People with few social ties are two to three times more likely to suffer from major depression than people with strong social bonds” (The Happiness Advantage, 2015).

Happiness Chemicals Involved in Human Connection

  • Endorphins
  • Oxytocin
  • Serotonin
  • Norephinephrine

Components and Related Concepts

  • Isolation (opposite of)
  • Nature
  • Cooking
  • Kindness
  • Admiration/Role Models

What Prevents Human Connection

  • Routine. You get accustom to being alone, seeing people represents a change in your behavior, thus making it difficult to do. Break your routine and connect with people. 
  • Isolation is easier. It is far easier to be alone. People, while generally gentle and caring, also represent the potential for questioning, asking questions, support, and a disruption in our current standing. Which can be difficult. 
  • Fears. Rejection, self doubt, acceptance, embarrassment, anxiety, and many more emotions or feelings often prevent connecting with someone.
  • Past negative experiences. Maybe you have been burned before by people, be guarded and protect yourself, but trust that there are good people out there who are amazing to connect with. Find these people. 

Benefits of Human Connection

  • Joy and happiness. Enjoying something because a person is there that you wouldn’t normally enjoy, “I only like the Shade when you’re blocking the light” (Phish). Doing activities with other people often makes them better. 
  • Physical health benefits.
    • Longer life expectancyImproved immune system Recovering from and fighting disease
  • Mental health benefits.
    • Reductions in issues of anxiety, depression, trauma, and other negative emotionsDecrease risk of suicidal behaviorDecreased risk of suicidal behavior (Seppala, 2012).
    • Improvements in overall happiness and overall mental health

Types of connections

  • Romantic. A person you are intimately attracted to. This can fluctuate and change over time. Finding your person is awesome, there may be a few in your life times. But valuing this fabulous. Intimacy with a person you are in love with releases oxytocin. A Fabulous neurotransmitter for mental health, happiness, and wellness. It is not released in the same capacity when sexually intimate with someone you aren’t in love with. (Watson, 2013).
  • Friend.  These can vary from casual acquaintance or someone you recognize in the grocery store, called “Breckecognizing someone” here in Breckenridge. Up to the support system who helps keep you afloat (and vice versa). They say, “You don’t get to choose your family, but choose your friends.” Value and be grateful for these people.
  • Family. There are common bonds we share with family, history, genetics (often), and for many, a common understanding. Family has a big influence on mental health, positive and negative depending on the family.
  • Global Citizen. These are often momentary. A connection between people that is marked and noticeable. An act of kindness, look, shared spiritual experience, or some other form of connection experienced together.
  • Work. People spend substantial amounts of time with their colleagues. Figuring out a way to work together can often be a result of willingness to connect. Here are some tips for improving place relationships and environment.

Social Media and Human Connection.

While at present the world is more connected than it is ever been (social media, devices, video chat, etc.). It also feels like the direct face to face human connection is slowly dying, our ability to speak to one another, face to face, articulately, empathically, and connect is in jeopardy. It seems to be getting harder and neglected.

“With our daily use of email, texting, smart phones, professional and social media, we live in an age of instant global connectivity. We are more connected to one another today than ever before in human history, yet somehow, we’re actually increasingly feeling more alone.”

~Marina Rose 2017

The role of social media in human connection is a tricky one, and lengthy (more apt for entire articles and books). My millennial students will lambast me for my “old-man-curmudgeon-crankiness” take on this one. Being honest, social media is not great for me as it brings out many negative traits (I judge, get sucked into the negative, worry about how other view me, and find myself involved in matters that should matter very little to me). For me, it isn’t great, and for many others social media brings about issues too, and it is addictive (Mikita, 2017).

Back from negative town! The biggest thing for involving social media as a human connection is to keep a positive in your life. The connection that social media/technology afford is unbelievable, no one needs to be sold on the perks as they are evident and obvious. It is just a matter of keeping it positive for you.

  • Set boundaries. No technology during dinner or after 8pm, 1 hour of use a day, no phones when around friends, etc. find your own limits.
  • Be aware of your use. Technology use, like any addiction, actions become compulsive and automatic. Break this trend by being aware of it.
  • Use technology to promote connection, not hinder it.  Evaluate the connections (and how deep they are) you are forming. Strive for deeper, more real and high quality in person.
  • Don’t be an idiot. Put your phone down when you are walking. Maybe the connection you need in your life is walking by you as you gaze at your screen.
  • Honestly assess your use. Talk with those around you about your technology use, take feedback as a way to improve.  

Tips to connect

  • “Seek to understand, not to be understood.” An adage shared by mentor KB is a great life philosophy. Try to understand people better as opposed to focusing on being understood.
  • Be bold, be you. People want to connect, be yourself, put yourself out there being the best version of yourself you can be.
  • Evaluate the people in your life. Surrounding yourself with positive people who help make you happy, feel like your authentic self, and life up your spirits is important.
  • Listen. Put your phone down, focus on the person in front of you. If you are waiting for your turn to talk, you aren’t listening.
  • Be empathic. Empathy is seeing and feeling an emotion that someone is experiencing and processing and feeling it vicariously, an amazing way to connect. Sympathy is feeling bad for someone, not as useful and can be alienating.
  • Be silly with others. Wear costumes, have a snowball fight, dance in the rain, be goofy, laugh, enjoy the silliness together.
  • Create together. Painting, projects, music, anything. Be clever, Team Work Makes Dream work!
  • Cook a meal together. It doesn’t need to be fancy, prepare and enjoy a meal together.
  • Shut our devices off. Focus on the person in front of you, be present. Sharing photos is a great way to connect, however make sure you are in the moment.
  • Go to nature. Enjoying moments with a person is like adding caramel to a sundae, it only gets better.
  • Exercise, Play, and sport. Remember being a kid and playing tag, soccer, capture the flag, and some weird game with made up rules you crafted? And all of that was a single day! Find a physical activity and go play.
  • Play games. Game nights are an excellent way to connect with people, amazing for families too.

Opportunities to Practice

  • Call a friend you haven’t spoken with in over a year
  • Write a letter to someone with a funny story or memory
  • Make a new friend
  • Find a way to use social media as a positive influence in your life.
  • Create something with someone. (Art, a teepee, a meal, etc.)
  • Plan something (Go to a concert, park, happy hour, lunch, game or event)
  • Go to get coffee or happy hour with a friend(s), put your phones in the middle of the table. First person to touch their phone has to pay for everyone’s coffee!

References and Resources

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