Mindfulness is a term that can be manifested in a variety of forms. A word that may conjure up images of meditation, awareness, or monks, while all are somewhat accurate mindfulness can be so much more. This seminar will look at how mindfulness can be implemented for all people, but men in particular. (This reading is an aid to a video-seminar series for Building Hope)

Researching mindfulness for many years has taught me one thing: The more I learn, the less I feel like I know. However, I continue to strive for more knowledge about the concept of mindfulness. Mindfulness can be practiced and manifest differently for all people, but many of the concepts will be universal. Most definitions and concepts of mindfulness will involve awareness. In this seminar/article we will look at how men in particular can utilize mindfulness to improve self-awareness, communication, and mental health. While I often avoid targeting a specific sex, men in this case, that is the topic of this seminar, much of this is relevant to all people.

Emotional Awareness & Default Emotions

Too often when distressed men will default to a specific emotion: Anger. This just becomes the automatic emotion, regardless of the situation. In reality, a person may be experiencing something very different from anger, but that is what they are accustomed to, so we just go to that. Sometimes anger is the “accurate emotion”, sometimes it is just habit. Anger doesn’t have to be the only default emotion, it could be an array of feelings, but in my counseling career I have seen many men find anger as the default emotion, and it guides the subsequent responses, which are often negative. Being aware of what you are actually feeling is crucial. Not just allowing a default emotion, like anger, to take over can improve mental health, relationships, and communication. Identifying the emotion you are experiencing involves slowing down, calming yourself, and reflecting.

Tips for Improving Emotional Awareness

• Slow down. Anger is an emotion that comes with a shot of adrenaline, which speeds up our heart rate and increases blood pressure. This makes us respond irrationally, erratically, and often very negatively. Slow yourself down, don’t overreact.
• Calm Breathing. Breathe, 3 seconds in, hold for 3 seconds, exhale for 3 seconds. Breathing allows you to get oxygen in and combat some of the adrenaline and cortisol your body is pumping out, check out this article about breathing and anger.
• Walk away. It is ok to step away for a few seconds, minutes, hours, or days. Stepping away allows you to get calm and formulate ideas and be able to express yourself better. Reflect on what you are truly feeling.
• Respond, don’t react. A reaction is often raw and does not involve thought or calculation. A response is the more appropriate and thoughtful choice. Responses are calculated reactions are not.
• Identify your emotions more accurately. My mom always told me to use my “Fifty cent” words, meaning use the accurate word for what you are feeling. Go beyond angry or mad. Are you actually frustrated, disappointed, tired, self-conscious, annoyed, jealous, lonely, hurt, scared, fearful, overwhelmed, stressed, neglected, vulnerable, abandon, resentful, or overworked and anger is the emotion you allow to manifest? Think about what you are actually feeling.

Gender Expectations and Roles

While the world is positively evolving and reimagining “gender roles,” there are still many people that hold onto to traditional gender ideologies about what a man or woman is “suppose to be like.” This may seem very outdated to you, as it does to me, for many people clinging to some of these traditional expectations can have negative influences on all involved. Many of these are outdated stereotypes, but still should be investigated, discussed, and hopefully broken down.

First, it is important to note that when applying some of these concepts to relationships, the most important aspect of roles and expectations for partners is that both parties are contributing, valued, and approve of their part in the relationship. Communicating and discussing roles is essential, do what works for your and your partner as long as both are feeling valued and embracing their role. We will look at some of the traditional expectations that men assumed, and some still do.

• Men should not show emotions. Expecting men to be emotionless is asinine. Men experience emotions, like all people. Feeling pressure to not show an emotion is dangerous and often leads to meltdowns and explosions.
  • Keeping emotions in can have negative mental health impacts. Anxiety, depression, and substance abuse are all increased. It can take a manageable emotion, like sadness or frustration, and turn it into a huge and explosive negative situation with significant consequences.
  • Not expressing emotions can also have physical health influences. This can include increased blood pressure, heart issues, and other stress related disorders.
  • Withholding emotions also makes it very difficult to be in a relationship and communicate. If men aren’t expressing their emotions to their partners we force him or her to guess what we are feeling, which is often very difficult. Tip: Communicate with your partner, express these things to people, talk with partners, friends, colleagues, counselors, whoever.
• Men should be dominant, assertive, or “leaders.” This is tough because a woman who shows these same characteristic is identified as bitchy, aggressive, and difficult. Not fair. Some men just don’t naturally poses these traits, and that is fine.
  • Tip: Be you. You can always work on improving leadership skills, that is great! But you don’t have be any of these negative things, in fact, having less dominating alpha-males would serve this world quite well. You can be gentle and strong, they aren’t opposites.
• Men should stick to manly things. Get out of the cave, man! If you are clinging to how a man is “suppose” to act you are going to miss out on some great things in your life.
  • Tip: Pursue what interests you, try new things, don’t cling to antiquated activities or mindsets that are holding you back. Try new things, hobbies, cooking, writing, gardening, whatever, don’t let a traditional gender role hold you back from what you are interested in.
• Men shouldn’t ask for help. Men are suppose to be the stoic figures that can handle anything by themselves. NON-SENSE! One of the biggest mistakes people make is not asking for support or help. This hurts you and everyone in your life.
  • Tip: Asking for help is a sign of strength. Reach out to the people around you, your support system is your team, you are at your best when you work together. Finding a counselor can help you navigate life, process issues, and be a better version of yourself. Don’t let pride and ego stop you from joy and success.
• Men shouldn’t be sensitive. Pretending to not be sensitive does not make things go away. Men can be sensitive and still be strong. We are chemically and socially designed to feel emotional pain and should be aware of it.
  • Tip: Let yourself feel what you feel. Feeling the need to be strong adds an additional pressure that can actually make things more difficult to deal with.

Don’t let an old-fashion version of a man stop you from being the best version of yourself. You get to define who you are and what you do, not stereotypes and often self-imposed expectations to limit who you are.

Communicating With Others

Men are often knocked for not being great communicators, truthfully, this comes from many peoples’ realities. As a counselor for 15 years I can say that many men are not great at communicating, for an array of reasons. This is not true of all men, but the assumption is rooted in reality. Men as a whole can improve communication, and the specifics for each person will vary but here are a few tips for improving communication.

• Seek to understand, not to be understood. Listen to others, don’t wait for your turn to talk, listen. Actually listen. Don’t feel a need to assert yourself, listen. Listen. Listen. If you are waiting for your turn to talk you aren’t listening.
• Be mindful of those around you. Be aware, check in with people. Ask questions, care about what they have to say above all else.
• If you are talking over someone, no one is hearing. Men have a tendency to talk over one another and often woman. We are louder and bigger and often take advantage of this. However, talking over someone kills conversation and connection. Wait, be patient.
• Slow down. Sometimes we want to rush and pressure communication, slow it down. This may mean stepping away, but can be very beneficial in progressive communication.
• Communication can be more than just talking. Writing letters, emails, texts, little notes, etc. all of these can be useful ways to communicate. While face to face verbal communication is amazing, maybe you need to write somethings down, or read things from other people to start successful communication. Whatever works best for you and the receiver of your communication should be explored and communicated.